Cardinal Capturers Strike Newman Catholic!

The Cardinal stands watch during a pep rally

By Hannah Reeves

A tragedy has befallen the Newman Catholic High School teachers, staff, and students.  Our beloved Cardinal has been kidnapped and taken hostage.  This sounds like the work of a senior prank. 

A few seniors have decided to finish their year off by capturing the Newman Catholic Cardinal.  The Cardinal was brought to recognizable spots around Wausau and pictures were taken of where our Cardinal traveled.  With those pictures, hostage notes have been printed and placed around the Newman Catholic High School hallways, indicating the places of where the Cardinal might be.  Along with a different picture on each sheet of paper, five demands have been issued to the Newman teachers, staff, and students:

1)      Fill the empty cases we receive at graduation with our diplomas - and in doing so, fill our likewise empty heart with never ending happiness.

2)      Unlock the safe, and remove “the precious contents” then transfer all funds into our offshore Swiss bank account.  The account number is 3687685764636432453269696954365953745252.

3)      Divulge the true identity of the man under the alias of “Dr. Michael Matthew Switalski.”

4)      In order to ensure the blessings and happiness for our posterity, we demand that all future students will be granted full access to the rooftop pool.

5)     In order to satisfy the previous demand, it will be necessary for you to install a pool on the roof.

If the seniors do not receive these demands by 7:00 pm on Friday, May 27, our beloved Cardinal will find itself acquainted with Mr. John Deere WC12 wood Chipper.  It is now up to our Newman Catholic family to get this Cardinal back to its respected spot in front of Newman Catholic High School’s front office.

** Do not worry all you Newman Catholic Cardinal fans; Mr. Theiss has approved this senior prank operation and the Cardinal will be returned unharmed.